As a special treat, yesterday's class was led by two child counselors. The topic was "Encouragement vs. Praise." What's the difference? Praise focuses on the person. Encouragement focuses on the effort by the person. For example, if you were to praise a child you might say, "You got all As! Great job!" If you were to encourage them, you might say, "You got all As! All of your hard work paid off! I bet you're really proud of yourself." Everyone can praise, but how is it helping the child? If they are constantly praised, what happens when they no longer get that verbal approval? What happens when they leave home and depend on praise to do well? If we encourage them, then they can learn to find that approval from within - their confidence will grow. Encouragement allows a child to be imperfect, to make mistakes and grow from them. Here are some examples I found. (There's also a lot of great websites out there on this topic, but I found good stuff on a specific website.)
One of the things we talked about was taking away things (like cell phones - see my previous post in March) as a consequence of poor grades. The counselors said not to take away the phone, that it had no connection to what was done. I tend to disagree a little with this because I think Clare was spending too much time on her phone and not studying enough. She also admitted to not working hard enough. Anyway, I can definitely see their point. Instead of taking away the phone, we have to allow her to see how poor grades will affect her opportunities after high school. We have to allow her to fail (this goes along with what "Raising Teens with Love and Logic" has to say. I hate to admit it, but I have a hard time allowing her to fail because I already know the consequences.) We need to be better about saying, "Are you happy with this grade? Do you know what this may mean later? (If she's not happy about it) What can you do to get the grade you want? Let me know if you need any help." Wow, that's going to be tough!
As for Daniel, I do think we have praised him too much. Although he has definitely grown up a lot this year in so many ways, he still has a tough time being creative and finding solutions to problems on his own (such as cleaning his room!) He has always been a hesitant child - when he was learning to go down the stairs, he would turn around about 5 ft. from the first stair and slowly creep backwards. Even now he has a hard time figuring out how much time to put on the microwave when reheating something ("Start small, Daniel!")
It's interesting in this whole conversation I started thinking about things that have encouraged my kids. Just the other day Clare was talking about how she and Daniel wanted me to get Neflix back (I turned it off because they were spending too much time on it.) She didn't understand why I did what I did and why I wouldn't give it back. I told her that I would be much more inclined to give them things if they were to do more around the house. I gave her examples, like how when I was away for a day at a workshop and they were at home nothing was done. All the clothes were still unfolded, the kitchen was a pit, and their rooms were a mess. I told her how frustrated I was that they never took any initiative in doing things around the house. Well, little by little, she's been doing more around the house. She folded all the laundry the other day AND put it in everyone's rooms. One night she made dinner for Daniel and made and decorated his birthday cake (she even made buttercream frosting!) The best part? She cleaned up the kitchen when she was done! The worst (maybe?) part of all of this was that I praised her! I told her how much I appreciated what she had done. (Is that really all that bad?) I really need to think about how I word the things I say to my kids from now on. Parenting is so tough.
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