Friday, April 26, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
Encouragement vs. Praise
Yesterday I attended a parenting Sunday School class at my church. We have these occasionally and they're great! The leader of the class is a child social worker in the city school system - she's awesome! I think every parent should be part of a support group. It is my strong belief that "it takes a village" to raise a child. We all should be helping each other with advice and suggestions.
As a special treat, yesterday's class was led by two child counselors. The topic was "Encouragement vs. Praise." What's the difference? Praise focuses on the person. Encouragement focuses on the effort by the person. For example, if you were to praise a child you might say, "You got all As! Great job!" If you were to encourage them, you might say, "You got all As! All of your hard work paid off! I bet you're really proud of yourself." Everyone can praise, but how is it helping the child? If they are constantly praised, what happens when they no longer get that verbal approval? What happens when they leave home and depend on praise to do well? If we encourage them, then they can learn to find that approval from within - their confidence will grow. Encouragement allows a child to be imperfect, to make mistakes and grow from them. Here are some examples I found. (There's also a lot of great websites out there on this topic, but I found good stuff on a specific website.)
One of the things we talked about was taking away things (like cell phones - see my previous post in March) as a consequence of poor grades. The counselors said not to take away the phone, that it had no connection to what was done. I tend to disagree a little with this because I think Clare was spending too much time on her phone and not studying enough. She also admitted to not working hard enough. Anyway, I can definitely see their point. Instead of taking away the phone, we have to allow her to see how poor grades will affect her opportunities after high school. We have to allow her to fail (this goes along with what "Raising Teens with Love and Logic" has to say. I hate to admit it, but I have a hard time allowing her to fail because I already know the consequences.) We need to be better about saying, "Are you happy with this grade? Do you know what this may mean later? (If she's not happy about it) What can you do to get the grade you want? Let me know if you need any help." Wow, that's going to be tough!
As for Daniel, I do think we have praised him too much. Although he has definitely grown up a lot this year in so many ways, he still has a tough time being creative and finding solutions to problems on his own (such as cleaning his room!) He has always been a hesitant child - when he was learning to go down the stairs, he would turn around about 5 ft. from the first stair and slowly creep backwards. Even now he has a hard time figuring out how much time to put on the microwave when reheating something ("Start small, Daniel!")
It's interesting in this whole conversation I started thinking about things that have encouraged my kids. Just the other day Clare was talking about how she and Daniel wanted me to get Neflix back (I turned it off because they were spending too much time on it.) She didn't understand why I did what I did and why I wouldn't give it back. I told her that I would be much more inclined to give them things if they were to do more around the house. I gave her examples, like how when I was away for a day at a workshop and they were at home nothing was done. All the clothes were still unfolded, the kitchen was a pit, and their rooms were a mess. I told her how frustrated I was that they never took any initiative in doing things around the house. Well, little by little, she's been doing more around the house. She folded all the laundry the other day AND put it in everyone's rooms. One night she made dinner for Daniel and made and decorated his birthday cake (she even made buttercream frosting!) The best part? She cleaned up the kitchen when she was done! The worst (maybe?) part of all of this was that I praised her! I told her how much I appreciated what she had done. (Is that really all that bad?) I really need to think about how I word the things I say to my kids from now on. Parenting is so tough.
As a special treat, yesterday's class was led by two child counselors. The topic was "Encouragement vs. Praise." What's the difference? Praise focuses on the person. Encouragement focuses on the effort by the person. For example, if you were to praise a child you might say, "You got all As! Great job!" If you were to encourage them, you might say, "You got all As! All of your hard work paid off! I bet you're really proud of yourself." Everyone can praise, but how is it helping the child? If they are constantly praised, what happens when they no longer get that verbal approval? What happens when they leave home and depend on praise to do well? If we encourage them, then they can learn to find that approval from within - their confidence will grow. Encouragement allows a child to be imperfect, to make mistakes and grow from them. Here are some examples I found. (There's also a lot of great websites out there on this topic, but I found good stuff on a specific website.)
One of the things we talked about was taking away things (like cell phones - see my previous post in March) as a consequence of poor grades. The counselors said not to take away the phone, that it had no connection to what was done. I tend to disagree a little with this because I think Clare was spending too much time on her phone and not studying enough. She also admitted to not working hard enough. Anyway, I can definitely see their point. Instead of taking away the phone, we have to allow her to see how poor grades will affect her opportunities after high school. We have to allow her to fail (this goes along with what "Raising Teens with Love and Logic" has to say. I hate to admit it, but I have a hard time allowing her to fail because I already know the consequences.) We need to be better about saying, "Are you happy with this grade? Do you know what this may mean later? (If she's not happy about it) What can you do to get the grade you want? Let me know if you need any help." Wow, that's going to be tough!
As for Daniel, I do think we have praised him too much. Although he has definitely grown up a lot this year in so many ways, he still has a tough time being creative and finding solutions to problems on his own (such as cleaning his room!) He has always been a hesitant child - when he was learning to go down the stairs, he would turn around about 5 ft. from the first stair and slowly creep backwards. Even now he has a hard time figuring out how much time to put on the microwave when reheating something ("Start small, Daniel!")
It's interesting in this whole conversation I started thinking about things that have encouraged my kids. Just the other day Clare was talking about how she and Daniel wanted me to get Neflix back (I turned it off because they were spending too much time on it.) She didn't understand why I did what I did and why I wouldn't give it back. I told her that I would be much more inclined to give them things if they were to do more around the house. I gave her examples, like how when I was away for a day at a workshop and they were at home nothing was done. All the clothes were still unfolded, the kitchen was a pit, and their rooms were a mess. I told her how frustrated I was that they never took any initiative in doing things around the house. Well, little by little, she's been doing more around the house. She folded all the laundry the other day AND put it in everyone's rooms. One night she made dinner for Daniel and made and decorated his birthday cake (she even made buttercream frosting!) The best part? She cleaned up the kitchen when she was done! The worst (maybe?) part of all of this was that I praised her! I told her how much I appreciated what she had done. (Is that really all that bad?) I really need to think about how I word the things I say to my kids from now on. Parenting is so tough.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Update
I know, it's been a while. We've been a bit busy. ;-) Here are a few things that have happened since I last wrote:
Clare's travel volleyball team won the gold (for the 2nd time!) They've been doing very well in their tournaments.
It snowed! We got about 11 inches with this one and the kids got out of school. Again.
Mia really likes the snow.
Clare's team played in a tournament in Indiana, PA. There was a wedding reception at our hotel one of the nights and the girls really got into dancing to the songs. Here they are dancing to YMCA.
The wedding party invited all of the volleyball girls to the dance floor to do the Harlem Shake. They had a blast!
It snowed AGAIN! This time wasn't as bad as the last, but the kids still missed school. Ugh!
Daniel likes the peace and quiet when it's snowing, so he decided just to lay in the yard for a while.
Daniel surpassed Clare in height. He's soooo proud of himself.
We went to Philadelphia on Easter weekend for a big volleyball tournament. None of us had ever been there, so it was cool seeing all the historical sites. Clare spent most of her time with the team, but they still did a little sightseeing in their free time. I took this picture of Tom and Daniel in line to see the Liberty Bell so you could see how tall Daniel has gotten. He's catching up!
Here's Daniel and the Liberty Bell:
We had time to tour Independence Hall where the Second Continental Congress met, George Washington was appointed commander in chief of the Continental Army, the Declaration of Independence was signed, the design of the American flag was agreed upon, the Articles of Confederation were adopted, and the U.S. Constitution was drafted. What an interesting place - especially for political science majors like me! The park ranger who led the tour was excellent. We were even allowed upstairs.
Even though we weren't home for Easter, the Easter Bunny still paid a visit to Daniel (and the volleyball girls!) He was very happy with his Peeps.
Here's a picture of the girls. They played well in this VERY tough tournament.
We drove through Lancaster County, PA, on our way to Gettysburg when the tournament was over. I want to go back and do a little more exploring when the weather is better.
The cows came back to the meadow behind our house. We love the cows.
I went down to North Carolina for a few days to help my parents go through their stuff. They will be moving in the next year or so and have to cut out about 1/2 or more of their stuff. It won't be easy, especially for two people who have always been very frugal - they save EVERYTHING! ("No, we can't get rid of that. I use it." [maybe 10 years ago!!] Nevertheless, they were able to part with quite a bit and are on their way to a simpler life. ;-)
This picture is of the mountains of east Tennessee on my way home (no, I didn't take this as I was driving. I stopped at an overlook.)
The day I returned from NC, this was the view as I sat on the porch eating dinner and sipping my wine. It was good to be home.
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